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Sunday, 01 January 2012

New year...

..

This year, I need to solve my financial distress, get back in school, and figure out my life... Idk if I even should be in a relationship right now... everyone just adds extra stress to my life...

Sunday, 09 January 2011

Dear Xanga,

   I feel alone. Chris and I haven't really been in much of a relationship since.. .august. It's really hard to hold on to something that is probably not there anyway. He's been gone a lot recently. My days off, I am left here, alone most of the time, with nothing to do. I think I'm going crazy. I'm depressed, closed off to those that love me... or I think love me, and I'm just not myself at all. As of the past month or two, I feel like i'm just an empty shell. I try to make plans to go out and do something but they always fall through. I try to keep myself preoccupied with movies, the internet or cleaning. Nothing seems to untie me. I sleep more than usual, more than any person in the world would ever need to sleep. I just honestly don't know who I am anymore. I remember my past and who I was. I remember having fun. I remember being fun. I just can't seem to get back to that being that person.

   On top of being depressed about not knowing who I am or where I'm going, I'm stressed out consistently. Work has turned to be hell. My bosses have been becoming more and more critical making my job harder and harder as the days go on. My financial troubles don't seem to go away. I'm always behind on this or that and can never seem to get caught up even with thousand dollar paychecks. I feel like I'm just here... almost invisible but just viewable enough when something is needed; a task to get done, a bill to be paid.

   I almost wish I had never moved out of my dad's with people. I wish that I had moved on my own as originally planned. I would have still been me. I wouldn't have had to be this "responsible for everyone" person. If I didn't become that person, we would have failed right from the beginning. It was a catch 22 and I think I chose the wrong paths to follow. I need to fix this.

Monday, 19 July 2010

8 months later..

   Hello Xanga,

   It sure has been a long time. I'm not very good at religiously blogging. That is something I truly would enjoy working on. A post a day or even each week might help me better record my life and experiences to look back on. Exactly why I wish I had never deleted my old xanga from high school. I posted every single day for my entire time at Reading High... then Myspace and Facebook took over my life. I can't go back now, but it would be amazing to read the things that went down back then. I only graduated five years ago and I can barely remember anything. I feel like an eighty year old man sitting on a porch trying to remember his teen years, but alas, I'm only 23, sitting Indian style on my bed with the lap top on my pillow while smoking a cigarette.

   So much has gone on since November. A lot has changed. Unfortunately, the bills galore post is consistent. Bills are a problem every where though. I mean, the economy is totally screwed up and everyone is having problems. I would say, let us start bartering again, however, I don't have a goat to give to my landlord in exchange for my keys, or a chicken to lay eggs for the electric company so the lights stay on. Perhaps I can pay then in cigarette filters from the ashtray or used cat litter? I know what you're thinking, if money is such an issue, why don't I quit smoking, right? I need a vise, that's all I can tell you. Everyone needs a vise and unfortunately, I don't have money to blow on shoes or I would.

   How is Chris? Right now we're not doing so well. I mean, since the last post, he got a job and he loves it. He's made friends outside of the apartment. It's good for him to get out. I hated that he was couped up here all the time, cleaning up after me like I was his 4 month old potty trained child. There are, however, some issues between us.

   Let's go back 8 months.

   -December 2009-

   We were both getting frustrated with bills. It was almost ridiculous because we had so much help back then from his parents I look back and think we were insane for being so upset about money. He was very proactive with his job search and he was trying very hard. Nothing was hiring. Mel, wasn't trying at all. She got money from family but spent it on WoW instead of even trying to help out. she sat around and didn't contribute at all, except to maybe Chris' sanity of being alone while I was at work. We spoke about the options and he decided to kick her out.

   -January 2010-

   There was a lot of tension here. Some stuff happened on my end that I'm seriously not happy for and wish to this day I could take back. Chris and I were fighting so much. I was an ass hole. I deserved it. From then on, things have not been the same, at work or at home. I honestly wish I had a Delorian and could just go back a few months and correct my actions. The other boy that was involved (yeah it was not good) started texting Chris and I and we almost fell apart completely but with love, we held on.

   -March 2010-

   Kati, Chris, and Steve decided to throw a birthday party for me. It was amazing. They're the best friends ever. However, I was too dumb to request off for Chris' which I feel like crap about and it's something else I can't take back now.

   -June 2010-

   ... to be continued

Monday, 16 November 2009

Bills Galore

Good afternoon dear xangians,

     I know I don't post very often. It's hard to post very much when you're having so many problems that I really don't want to sound like I'm complaining. We're going through some rough times, thats all, and we'll work ourselves out of it. Chris and Mel are having a really hard time finding jobs and here I am working 40 hrs. a week, ten hour days and trying to find a way to pay all the bills and still keep the fridge stocked for the three of us. It's tough really and I can truthfully say that I'm definitely learning from this.
    All will be so much better once they have jobs. Rent and bills will disappear and we'll finally be able to have fun and go out again like we used to. I really miss going out. New York every other weekend, the bar every friday night, the sushi bar every weekend. I was really living a life of fun and I really didn't even notice it. Trust me when I say that I will really appreciate it when I can gt back to doing what I like when I like to.
     Chris and I have been doing very well and it makes me really happy. I really do love him so much. I look forward to the time we have together because every day is treasurable even those days when we might not feel well, or theres something wrong because we talk through everything.

Sunday, 27 September 2009

sitting

     Just sitting around.. I'm so bored. Tori's playing, jumping around and running back and forth in the living room. Chris is napping and George Lopez is on TV. I think Tori doesn't realize that I know she's sitting on my lap on the other side of the laptop, because she keeps peeking around it.
     *Train horn* I've never heard a train pass at this time.. but then again, I'm usually asleep, or at work at this time.
     Quite obviously, I have nothing to say....

     Chris and have been looking stuff up about 2012 the past two days. Ugh, it sucks because my biggest fears are "natural disaster, disease, and being lost" and I feel that the 2012 prophecies are a mix of all of my greatest fears. Now I'm all worked up about all of it and I have to front because Chris is worried too, and I want to be able to console him.
     *sigh* I guess I'll kill this cuz I don't have anything to say